that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.