Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.