[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.