sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
You Might Also Like
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.