I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.