the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive