i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
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Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Just this preview of the story is enough
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Saturday
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope