People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Body by Oreos
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.