My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Jesus Christ lmao
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun