My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.