A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans