“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity