Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.