Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
This cat wants you to take your pills
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude