Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
You Might Also Like
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
New comic up. “Ransom”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
twitter users today:
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
This will never not be funny 😭
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen