Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.