If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
You Might Also Like
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning