I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
You Might Also Like
blocked.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.