Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m tired tomorrow.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.