The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room