Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Hit me in the face with a bird
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*