My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
You Might Also Like
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long