commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
How I’d get arrested…
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
They must have gotten it to go.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home