You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.