H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I’m going to need a moment here.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.