Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Investing in beetcoin
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.