“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?