Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I have a black belt in leather
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.