4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.