Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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Woke up against my better judgement again
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*