[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.