Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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Beware…..
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.