Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: