Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
You Might Also Like
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..