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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
not for long
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”