You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Sharon I have some bad news
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.