[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
men are simple creatures
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job