Britain be like
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.