My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Fight
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.