A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much