“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
What personal space?
My dog
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
This could’ve been an email.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too