Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My inexpensive home security system…
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!