Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys