Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
What’s this sorcery? 😂
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver