These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?