Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
giddy up Office Depot
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
mechanics be like
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.