Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings