Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Sharon, call the vet
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
This checks out
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”