me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.