How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven